"She's a bass!"

When I get sick, I lose my voice.  When it comes back, it starts in the lower registers first.  This makes me sound very different from my normal self, as demonstrated in this phone call (note: I am an only child):

Dad: "Hello?"
me: "Hey Dad."
Dad: "Hello?"
me (straining to be louder): "Hey Dad."
Dad (totally puzzled): "Dad...?"
me: "Can you hear me?"
Dad: "Who is this?"
me: "It's (me)."
Dad (dead serious): "No, it can't be."
me (trying to scream): "It's me.  My voice is ruined because I'm sick."
Dad: "Wow.  I never would have recognized you.  What happened to your voice?"
me: *headdesk*

I Can't Cook

I've been feeling under the weather, so I decided to try Wil Wheaton's vegetable soup recipe.  However, the recipe looked a liiiiiiiiittle out of my depth.  All that chopping?  I'm way too lazy.  If I buy vegetables that need to be chopped, they simply won't get eaten.  So instead I created a Cheater Version:

1) Read original recipe four times.  Decide it looks way too hard.
2) Go to food store.  Rejoice that they have a pre-chopped carrot/celery/onion mix (guys, this was created for people like me).  Buy  two of them.
3) Add pre-sliced mushrooms, a can of diced tomatoes, 2 cans of tomato sauce, and garbanzo beans to the cart.
4) Toss in some frozen dinners, since you're there.  No need to come back later when you decide cooking is too hard.
5) Get home and realize you forgot the bread.  Decide that chips & salsa is just as good as bread, right?
6) Scrounge for large soup pot.  Realize large soup pot has never been used before and needs to be cleaned.
7) Clean out all the science experiments from the fridge, while you're at it.
8) Toss all ingredients in the pot and turn on heat.  Resolve to either clean stovetop or hire a cleaning service.
9) Google cleaning services in your area and submit an online price estimate form.
10) Put on a load of laundry.  Discover that enough laundry has accumulated for three loads, and there's still a load in the dryer that hasn't been folded. (yay.)
11) Play on twitter and pinterest until the soup is ready.
12) Realize you don't have a ladle.  Sing "Ladle, ladle, ladle, I made you out of clay..." to the tune of the Dreidel Song while you open every drawer and cupboard, thinking that a ladle may have magically appeared in your kitchen when you weren't paying attention.
13) Give up and use a spoon instead.
14) Eat.

Hair Stylin'

My hair is very straight and flat, so I go to a little old Japanese man to get my hair done.  He knows how to make it look nice, with more volume and movement, and he's also hilarious.  The last time I got my hair cut was just before I was going to London for a trip.  When my hairdresser found out, he said, "Oh, I'll give you an extra-nice hair style for when you flirt with all the British boys!"

This time, we were talking about the unusually warm summer here.  I mentioned that it hasn't been too much of a problem for me, as I enjoy the hot weather.  My hairdresser immediately advised me to insist to my (imaginary) boyfriend that he have a home in Hawai'i.  He said, "It should be in your contract.  If your boyfriend doesn't have a home in Hawai'i, you cannot date him.  Make him sign that."

I love my hairdresser.  I told him to never change.

Another crazy conversation

I'm going to London soon, and have recently become somewhat obsessed with the BBC "Sherlock" (as well as Benedict Cumberbatch, who plays the title character).

friend: are you super excited?

me: I am indeed

friend: I feel like you're going to get off the plane and just scream "Benedict Cumberbatch," then go to warp (complete with animation), and six seconds later, as Benedict is quietly reading in bed, you will fall from the ceiling into the other half of the bed

me: I'm laughing so hard I scared the cat away

oh man tears are running down my face

friend: good

then make it so

me: so I watched the first episode of another show he was in

in which he plays a mathematician

and at one point is explaining equations

hot man...talking math...it's like porn to me

friend: auto-defenestrate

me: but I'm on the first floor?

friend: you can throw someone out a window at any elevation

Maggie

Recent IM conversation between me and a friend:

friend: now if we could just get you control of magnetism, we'd be set

me: I love that you assume I'm secretly magneto

BECAUSE I AM

friend: impossible

he already exists

but you could be magenta

me: that is my other secret identity

friend: so you're both magneto and magneta?

me: Just call me "Maggie"

"I'm a mouse now. Mice are cool."

This year, for the first time in a long time, I decided to decorate for Halloween. Usually I'm too busy, between work and school, but this year I really wanted to make the extra effort and add some spooky cheer to the house. So I went to a flea market and found an armful of stuff for about $3, including this little beauty:

Is the Doctor dressing up as a mouse for Halloween?

At first I thought, "Oh how cute, a mouse with a pumpkin!" Then I saw he was wearing a fez, and I snatched him up before anyone else could come close to buying him. My friend suggested I make a bow tie for him (because bow ties are cool), so I added that detail.

Fast-forward a few weeks to my birthday. My friend had let me know to expect his present to arrive, so I wasn't terribly surprised when I found a box from ThinkGeek on my doorstep. I rushed inside to cut open the tape when I heard the Tardis.

For the first second, I thought it was my phone, until I remembered that my phone no longer has the Tardis ring-tone (boo). Then, for a good 2 seconds, I was convinced that THIS WAS IT, the Tardis was really going to materialize, and I was going to start my adventures with the Doctor.

Then I realized the sound was coming from inside the Think Geek box. I opened the box to find a Tardis cookie jar! Cookies + Doctor Who = awesome, amirite? Also, as my friend said, "It's a talking cookie jar. How could I not get it for you?" I think it goes perfectly with my Halloween Doctor-Mouse. :-)

After Halloween, I'm thinking of making a voodoo doll of myself and storing it in the Tardis cookie jar. Maybe that'll encourage the Doctor to finally show up.

Halloween

Halloween's coming up! Costumes and candy! Huzzah!

So let's say you're a girl, and you'd like to dress up, and show off your femininity, but you don't want to be a "slutty" version of anything. (Seriously guys, there's a "slutty Big Bird" costume. Humanity is doomed.)

What are your options?

1) Princess
OK this one's easy. Find a pretty dress, add some costume jewelry and a tiara, maybe some long white gloves, and you're ready to go. Burst into song at random moments and the transformation is complete.

2) On the flip side, you could try a Disney villain. Not quite as easy as the princess costume, but about as many characters to choose from. Maleficent, the Wicked Queen, the Evil Stepmother, Madam Medusa or Madam Mim, even Ursula, are iconic and playfully wicked. Bonus points if you dress up as Maleficent in her dragon form.

But what if you're not a Disney person? (Get the hell out of my blog.)

OK, OK, what if you'd rather be a little more kick-ass? May I suggest:

3) Sci-fi babe
There are a ton to choose from: Zoe from Firefly, Janeway from Star Trek, Ivanova from Babylon 5, Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica, River Song from Doctor Who. Get some old military-ish clothing, a fake gun (or heck, a squirt gun, and call it "irony"), and perfect your steely gaze. (I'd recommend not going as Leia, because you know half a dozen douche-canoes are gonna ask you to go put on your metal bikini.)

Oh, you're not a sci-fi fan? You're more literary? How about:

4) Literary lady
Any character from Austen or the Bronte sisters would work. Liz Bennett, Anne Eliot, Jane Eyre...Find a nice period dress, do your hair in a bazillion curls, and practice being headstrong while following perfect etiquette.

But guys, it's Halloween! It's supposed to be scary!

5) Spooky stuff
There are always the old standards: ghost, vampire, zombie, the Grim Reaper. Death from Sandman is a fairly low-key costume to pull off, and appropriate for the season. Or wear a nightgown backwards, dribble green food coloring on your chin, and go as that girl from The Exorcist.

As a last resort, if you have no time to throw together a costume, just wear your regular clothes and say you're a hipster and that "Halloween is just another commercialized extravaganza." Then drink your Pabst Blue Ribbon and expound on the reasons mainstream culture is turning everyone else into sheep.

Oh, mechanical engineering

I'm hoping to study nonlinear vibrations for my PhD work. My dad was telling me about the response this gets when he's talking to his friends about me.

Dad: You've chosen an awkward area of study. I tell people you're studying mechanical engineering, and for most of them, their eyes glaze over. But then there are the people who ask, "What area?" and I have to tell them "Vibrations." And that leads to a lot of jokes.

me: You could always say "Nonlinear systems."

Dad: Hmm. That's an idea. Then everyone's eyes will glaze over.

me: It could be worse. I could be studying lubrication.

(pause)

Dad: If that were the case, and people asked me what area of mechanical engineering you were studying, I think I'd tell them I didn't know.

Teh Awesum

Recently I've been finding a lot of awesome around teh interwebs, so I thought I'd just post a bunch of links with brief descriptions.


1) You know how things from the 80's are sort of simultaneously horrific and amazing?

So I was reading Topless Robot, and at the end of one post was a link titled, "Has anyone seen Tim Curry's tamborine?" Curious title. I think I'll click the link.

And was treated to this explosion of awesomeness.

(Some of the comments are also pretty spectacular.)

It's like someone asked a group of 2nd graders to come up with words that rhyme, and then they pieced together a song, and the effects guys threw in pictures of all the random stuff, and Tim Curry put on a large cape and sang it.

What part of this is not epic?

2) Another curiously titled link, this time on Mental Floss: "strange charm." Could this have anything to do with particle physics? Why YES! Yes it does!

3) As a Trekkie myself, I was glad to see that my colleagues were quick to set things straight. This article (correction, really) made my week. (found via Techland)

4) Speaking of things Trek, My dad and I are going to see Patrick Stewart on Broadway this weekend; according to my dad our seats are so close that "if he slips and falls off the stage he'll land in your lap!"

With that in mind, my friend Erin has been nagging me to watch this video; I finally got around to it and...wow.

5) And finally...THE MICHAEL BAYIFIER!!! I had far too much fun with this.

Politics

I was reading a news article on politics and the subsequent reader comments at lunch today.

me: "Well, if you believe the vitriol spewing on the web, either you're a socialist or you're a fascist."

coworker: "There's no middle ground?"

me: "Nope."

coworker: (rolls eyes) "I'm moving to Canada."

me: "So you choose socialism, apparently."

Hopefully the vitriol dies down a bit after the midterms.

Pizza

Well it's Wednesday, which means that it is the Day of Great Decision
here at work.

First, we have to decide whether or not to get a "specialty" pizza (as
opposed to plain). This requires at least 3 people, preferably 4.
Often, there are several people in the "I'll get a specialty pizza if
there are enough people, but I'm not gonna be emphatic about it."
Which of course complicates matters. And then there are the guys who
might have brought lunch, but are willing to chip in for pizza and eat
the lunch they brought on Thursday. But only if the rest of us need
another person.

Then, if it's been decided to get a specialty pizza, we have to decide
which one to get. We've never had a bad pizza, so no one really wants
to choose because there isn't a lot of strong feeling about a "best"
or "worst" to get. (There's a lot of "Does this sound good to
everyone?" "Yup sounds fine." "Or how about this one?" "Also good."
in this round.) If someone who does not normally get specialty pizza
decides to try it, we make that person choose.

FINALLY, it's time for money collection. Pizza slices are $1.50 /
slice (plain) and $2 / slice (specialty). And there's always at least
one person who recently had to go to the ATM and hasn't bought
anything since then so all they have is twenties. So we have the
great "I'll pay for everyone's pizza with my $20 if everyone gives me
what they owe" finagling, with various people trying to trade money
amongst ourselves to get the correct change to give the guy who only
has $20's. My hand to God, one of my coworkers paid in dimes one
week.

And that's the news from your Friendly Neighborhood Engineers.

UPDATE 03/17/11
Bug has illustrated this beautifully. (This has fast become one of my favorite webcomics.)

Grad school is like a pirate ship

My best friend is having a bridal shower this weekend. Back in January, when the bridal party (myself included) were trying to start getting things together, she emailed us and asked what weekend would be most convenient. I was just starting another semester and waited to get my class syllabi before responding. Looking at the schedule, I saw that this coming week was spring break, and I figured, "Great! I'll have no classes, so I should have plenty of time to fly in for the bridal shower and still do all my homework."

Come to find out, I now have two midterms next week. Despite the fact that the university is technically on "break". So what I've realized is that in grad school, a syllabus is more like guidelines than actual rules.

This semester's gonna suck

Between April and October, I have 6 weddings and 1 qualifying exam.

• I will be a bridesmaid in 3 weddings
• 3 weddings require a plane trip
• One of the weddings is my own

Meanwhile, I have a full-time job, 2 graduate-level engineering classes, and PhD research. Plus my fiance and I just bought a condo and we're moving in before February 1st.

I may not sleep until next Thanksgiving...

Company Policy

To get new hardware, large company:

Search through company website to find the online request for service application. Request the hardware be bought.
Include: Name, office number, cubicle number, department, name of computer, type of hardware needed (general), specific hardware needed, reason for request, name of project manager, name of functional manager.
Wait two months for approval of hardware to shunt back and forth through departments and red tape.

Search through company website to find the online request for service application (again). Request the official IT person come install the hardware.
Include: Name, office number, cubicle number, department, name of computer, type of hardware to be installed (general), specific hardware to be installed, reason for request, name of project manager, name of functional manager.
Wait one week for IT person to be free.
Discover that the company-sanctioned version of the hardware you need doesn't fit in your computer.

Search through company website to find the online request for service application (third time). Request a new computer, that will hold the new hardware.
Include: Name, office number, cubicle number, department, name of computer, type of hardware needed (general), specific hardware needed, reason for request, name of project manager, name of functional manager.
Screw up some piece of information. Become informed that they can't give you what you requested, and they think there's something fishy about your request in the first place. Spend several hours on the phone calling from one department to another until you find the one person who understands what you need and dictates to you how to fill out the RFS form correctly. If you're lucky, this guy will take pity on you and tell you to just call him when you need the hardware installed and he'll come by and do it.

Wait one week for new computer. Call the nice guy you finally found. Cross fingers until whole operation is complete.

Go tell boss happy news that you can finally do that piece of the project you've been unable to do. Find out that said project has lost funding.

To get new hardware, small company:

Boss: "Go on ebay and see if you can find what you need. We'll reimburse you once you've got it."

Spend half an hour on ebay, find what you need, confirm it has all the parts with seller, place bid.

"Screw that nonsense: I want a warp drive."

I thought this article was interesting but also hilarious. My personal favorite is the floating city; ever since I was a kid I thought it was be really fun to live in the ocean. But I'd definitely take a trip to a space hotel or moonbase. Basically I'd just love to explore new places. =)

Best of Craigslist

This is the best thing I've read in a while. (Again courtesy slashdot.)

I was complaining about Microsoft to a friend one day, and he said, "You know what? You don't like GUI's." I immediately began to protest, but then I stopped and thought about it, and realized he was right. I prefer a nice, simple console to a bunch of images you point and click and hope they do the right thing.

So, here's to Unix.

Telekinesis

I just read a summary of the horror flick "Carrie." In brief, a socially-outcast girl discovers she has telekinetic power, and decides the best thing to do would be to use this new-found power to burn down the school and everyone in it.
Now, maybe I totally missed the point, but I feel like if I suddenly discovered I had telekineses, there are about a million and a half things that would be a better idea than burning down my school. Here are a few top contenders:

• Fly. I'd levitate myself all over the place.
• Go to an intensive care unit and cure diseases by pulling viruses, cancer, etc out of people without hurting them (I'm thinking like Magneto pulled iron out of that guy's blood in X2, except way less painful).
• If there were enough of us telekinetics, we could each take a portion of the world and move everyone's cars around with our minds. Oil problems solved! And everyone would probably be so happy to be saving gas money that they'd give us food and money for the mortgage, so this could be a full-time job.
• Redistribute fresh water so that the people without potable water can get their share.

Gosh, think of all the fun you could have. I mean, I could type with my mind and play cards with my hands at the same time. I could separate an egg without getting bits of shell in the bowl. I could rearrange the furniture in my room multiple times until I got the layout just right. I could talk on the phone and cook dinner (you know how you have to sort of perch the phone in that awkward position between your ear and shoulder?)
What would you do with telekinesis?

This makes me giggle

The lightsaber prop used by Mark Hamill in Return of the Jedi is currently on the International Space Station.
Which gives new meaning to "That's no moon...that's a space station!"

Bad Idea

You know what's a really bad idea? Reading the wikiquote entries about "The Daily Show" while you're on a conference call.
I was on a never-ending teleconference about benefits changes, and you know how it goes...one person starts to split hairs, then another splits another hair, and pretty soon everyone's arguing over minutiae and semantics. So I went to wikiquote and starting reading everything Jon Stewart has said in the past several years.
The problem occurs when you get called on to give input, because not only do you have no idea what the conversation is about, you're also breaking your ribs from efforts to not snort with laughter.
Thank goodness for the mute button.

Geeky Guilty Pleasures

Once again, Cosmic Variance provides an amusing dinner-party-conversation idea: What is your geeky guilty pleasure?

Mine is re-reading Harry Potter, for the 19 thousandth time. Seriously, I should be reading something else. There is plenty of literature that I haven't read yet...Macbeth, Dante's Inferno, Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol... But somehow or other I always wind up back at Hogwarts.