Halloween

Halloween's coming up! Costumes and candy! Huzzah!

So let's say you're a girl, and you'd like to dress up, and show off your femininity, but you don't want to be a "slutty" version of anything. (Seriously guys, there's a "slutty Big Bird" costume. Humanity is doomed.)

What are your options?

1) Princess
OK this one's easy. Find a pretty dress, add some costume jewelry and a tiara, maybe some long white gloves, and you're ready to go. Burst into song at random moments and the transformation is complete.

2) On the flip side, you could try a Disney villain. Not quite as easy as the princess costume, but about as many characters to choose from. Maleficent, the Wicked Queen, the Evil Stepmother, Madam Medusa or Madam Mim, even Ursula, are iconic and playfully wicked. Bonus points if you dress up as Maleficent in her dragon form.

But what if you're not a Disney person? (Get the hell out of my blog.)

OK, OK, what if you'd rather be a little more kick-ass? May I suggest:

3) Sci-fi babe
There are a ton to choose from: Zoe from Firefly, Janeway from Star Trek, Ivanova from Babylon 5, Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica, River Song from Doctor Who. Get some old military-ish clothing, a fake gun (or heck, a squirt gun, and call it "irony"), and perfect your steely gaze. (I'd recommend not going as Leia, because you know half a dozen douche-canoes are gonna ask you to go put on your metal bikini.)

Oh, you're not a sci-fi fan? You're more literary? How about:

4) Literary lady
Any character from Austen or the Bronte sisters would work. Liz Bennett, Anne Eliot, Jane Eyre...Find a nice period dress, do your hair in a bazillion curls, and practice being headstrong while following perfect etiquette.

But guys, it's Halloween! It's supposed to be scary!

5) Spooky stuff
There are always the old standards: ghost, vampire, zombie, the Grim Reaper. Death from Sandman is a fairly low-key costume to pull off, and appropriate for the season. Or wear a nightgown backwards, dribble green food coloring on your chin, and go as that girl from The Exorcist.

As a last resort, if you have no time to throw together a costume, just wear your regular clothes and say you're a hipster and that "Halloween is just another commercialized extravaganza." Then drink your Pabst Blue Ribbon and expound on the reasons mainstream culture is turning everyone else into sheep.