"Everything I want"

This is inspired by this post on Veronica Varlow's blog.  She's doing a series on "getting everything you want in life," and this particular post was about taking risks.  At first I was disappointed, because I feel like there isn't a goal that I'm working toward, or some fabulous passion that I need to follow no matter what.  The truth is, I like my boring life.  I like my job; I like my hobbies; I like my house.  None of it is particularly exciting, but I find it all enjoyable.  I don't feel like I need to take risks to live in the moment.

But then I was thinking about some other stuff I've been dealing with; namely: guilt.  I realized somewhat recently that I carry around a ton of guilt, often for things I can't control.  I feel guilty about everything.  Pick a topic.  Every other sentence I say starts with "Sorry."

Ever since I realized how much (unnecessary) guilt I feel, I've been trying to figure out (a) why and (b) how to change my outlook.  The "why" was kind of easy - I think if I feel bad about screwing up, it'll prevent me from screwing up again.  I think if I feel guilty enough about things I should change, I'll work harder to change them.  Never mind that some (most) of these things are out of my control, or in the past.  The guilt just clings forever.

Now on to (b).  This is harder.  I'm terrified of giving up my guilt.  I'm so used to it - it's almost like security blanket.  What if I start living guilt-free, and then I start thinking I can do no wrong, and I turn into a total hedonist?  I know it's not likely, but I keep clutching onto that guilt like it's the lifeline keeping me from drowning in selfishness.

And, in a vicious cycle, I feel like I must be a terrible person (or at least not a very good one) if I feel so guilty all the time.  And then I feel guilty for being a terrible person.  And repeat.

So, going back to VeVa's blog.  What I want in life is to feel better about myself.  To not hold so many self-grudges.  To let things go.  To learn from mistakes, and then move on.

In my first 24 hours, I made a conscious effort to not let my mind run through those same old ruts.  I tried to catch any negative thoughts, take a deep breath, and let the thought go with the exhalation.  I also promised myself that if I did fall into the old traps, I wouldn't feel guilty about feeling guilty.  (Yup.)

At one point today, I took a moment to try to think of myself how I imagine others see me.  And you know what?  I think, objectively, I'm a pretty decent person.  I care a lot about others.  I do my best.  I'm honest to a fault.  I give others the benefit of the doubt and try to see things from their point of view.

It was eye-opening.  I always think of myself through this veil of "If only I could be better," and it makes me seem like a failure in my own eyes.

So, for the next 7 days, I'm going to try to congratulate myself when I do something well, or treat someone with kindness, or handle a situation with aplomb.  Just a quick, "Hey, good for you!" to recognize that I don't suck at everything.

I know I'll make mistakes, and there are times I'll still feel guilty, but I'm going to focus on giving myself more positive encouragement, rather than beating myself down.

*teeters at edge of cliff*
*flexes wings*
*and...jump!*