Why I'm not afraid of dying

NB: This post is going to be a lot weightier than what I normally write. If you're only interested in my quirky inanities, go ahead and skip this one.

When people find out I don't believe in god, the first question they normally ask is, "What do you think happens when you die?" And the answer, for me at least, is pretty easy: I don't think *anything* happens. I think I'll just...stop.

That idea is really upsetting to most people, and I understand why. We all like existing - being aware of our surroundings, making decisions, loving our friends and family. The idea that some day, all of that will be gone, can be frightening. And I certainly don't mean to belittle that fear. Nor do I wish to seem condescending to those who do believe in an afterlife. I don't believe in a god; that doesn't mean you shouldn't.

That being said, I'm not particularly afraid of dying. I mean, I don't want it to happen soon (I have a lot I'd like to do with my life), but I don't feel overly sad when I contemplate the end of my existence. And here's why: just look at this.

That's about what our own solar system will look like, billions of years from now. Isn't it beautiful? Some day, that will be us - our sun, our planet, our pets, our own atoms and particles. Billions of years after I die, the atoms that once comprised my body will be part of a brilliant nebula, and maybe some astronomer in some distant star system will look at it and notice how beautiful it is.

There's a great quote (alternately attributed to Carl Sagan and Delenn) that says roughly: "We are the universe made conscious, trying to figure itself out."

I'm so happy to be a part of that. One of the things I really want to do in my life, one of my main driving forces, is to expand humanity's knowledge in some small way. That's why I'm getting a PhD; I want to do research, and learn things nobody's known before. I want to help "figure things out" - just a bit more. And that connection - to humanity, and ultimately, the universe, is why I'm not afraid of dying. Even when I'm gone, my contribution will remain.

A Lovely Weekend

Last night (Friday), I went to the Art Museum for Art After 5. There was some live jazz playing; I had a glass of red wine; and I wandered through the galleries. (And Impressionism looks even better when you're slightly buzzed!) It was a wonderful date - with myself. I need to take me out more often. ;-)

This morning, when I woke up, I found out that New York has now legalized same-sex marriage! 6 states down, 44 to go. And when I looked outside my window, there was a baby bunny in my front yard. I tried to take a few pictures without scaring it away.

Then this evening I tried a new local beer (well, new to me, anyway) and watched the Philly Union game. The first half had me worried, but we pulled it off in the end! My poor cat; she was very confused by my chants of "DOOP DOOP DOOP!!"

All in all, it was quite a nice weekend.

Oh, mechanical engineering

I'm hoping to study nonlinear vibrations for my PhD work. My dad was telling me about the response this gets when he's talking to his friends about me.

Dad: You've chosen an awkward area of study. I tell people you're studying mechanical engineering, and for most of them, their eyes glaze over. But then there are the people who ask, "What area?" and I have to tell them "Vibrations." And that leads to a lot of jokes.

me: You could always say "Nonlinear systems."

Dad: Hmm. That's an idea. Then everyone's eyes will glaze over.

me: It could be worse. I could be studying lubrication.

(pause)

Dad: If that were the case, and people asked me what area of mechanical engineering you were studying, I think I'd tell them I didn't know.

Rugby

I like to have a ballgame on in the background while I study. I prefer baseball, but pretty much anything is fine. (I've watched a soccer game on the Spanish channel. That was fun.) So last night I'm flipping though channels and come across a rugby game: England vs. US. Fantastic! I hadn't seen a rugby game since I was in New Zealand.

I had forgotten how physical that game is. It seems like 90% of it is large men ramming into each other head-first. And they don't wear safety equipment. Like, no pads or helmets. They have basically the equivalent of a swim cap they can wear, but that's only to prevent them from getting cuts and bleeding all over the field (according to the announcer) because if you bleed you have to leave the field.

THIS IS A PROBLEM. Bleeding profusely from one's head is such a problem that they made special caps to prevent it. And they're "optional" equipment.

It was morbidly fascinating.

And we got creamed. When I first saw the game, I was like, "Does that say England 23 - USA 3? That seems like a large disparity." Yeah, it was England 59 - USA 3 when I finally turned it off.

So You Think You Can Dance

A: hello

me: hello yourself

A: what are you up to tonight? homework?

me: supposedly
also watched So You Think You Can Dance auditions

A: yeah, i don't know what that's all about - you should probably stop watching that

me: well I just like the auditions
once they get into the "people stories" I stop watching
I'm like, "I don't care about these people. Just dance."

A: you sound like some sort of deranged dr. frankenfurter

me: I'm laughing so hard my upstairs neighbor is probably wondering what the hell is wrong with me

Overreacting

Did you ever have one of those times where you're in a place, and you're supposed to be there, but it's a place that not everyone is allowed to go, and you're not normally there, and then someone official sees you, and you feel like you need to launch into a 10-minute explanation of why you're there, and that you're allowed to be there?

I'm doing a "girls in engineering" thing tomorrow at a local high school, and today was the set-up. So I wandered around until I found the classroom I'll be in, so I could put all the supplies there. Now, when I was in high school, I was often in school after-hours. Between theatre and a half-dozen other clubs, most of the teachers / administrators / custodians at least knew me by sight, and knew that if I was going into a classroom or supply closet it was probably for a legitimate purpose and no cause for alarm. But that was a decade ago, and this was not my school. No one there knows me. So I'm stumbling around, looking for the light switch, when I see this very professionally-dressed woman coming down the hall. Oh no - a teacher?? She probably knows the teacher who works in this room, and is wondering what the heck I think I'm doing, and here I am in jeans and a sweatshirt (that I realized, upon arrival, had stains in about 6 places...I should have just taken it off but I was cold DON'T JUDGE ME). Looking like some kind of vagabond, and not at all like a reputable engineer preparing to encourage young ladies to explore careers in math and science.

It was a moment of panic.

Luckily, she was a fellow presenter. And did not question my right to be in someone else's classroom, at all.

(This post doesn't really have a point, sorry. I'm waiting for my friend to call me; we're going to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show and eat chocolate ice cream because we've both had a bad week and nothing cheers you up like Tim Curry in fishnets and a big bowl of ice cream. So I'm blogging to keep myself occupied. Also, we don't actually live near each other, so we'll be watching the movie simultaneously and messaging each other to keep a running commentary. It's an experiment!)

Nathan Fillion is an Awesome Donut

A conversation between myself and two (equally nerdy) friends (edited for clarity):

A: i never quite got into firefly
does that make me evil?
everyone loves it?

B: did you watch it from the beginning?
i didn't get it at first either

A: i did

B: i still don't like the movie

A: well, the movie was a bit tacked on

me: the movie was just totally different in tone
and I'm not sure hating it makes you evil, but it might make you crazy

A: oh no, i don't hate it
just not in love

B: but nathon fillion...
nathan

A: mmmmmmm...........
i mean, yeah he's alright

B: he's not your type

me: ok, see this is what makes me certifiably insane
I <3 <3 <3 Nathan FIllion

B: but platonically

me:EXACTLY
he's pretty much awesome sauce covered in awesome
but I don't find him attractive at all.

B: i don't really find him attractive
nice body in Dr. horrible, but not really
shouldn't the awesome be covered in awesome sauce
not the other way around

me: either way
maybe he's an awesome jelly donut with stuffed awesome sauce O_o

B:ookay
he's an awesome donut

me: he is an awesome donut!